Reclaiming Aphrodite

With Divine Feminine, May 26, 2008

Brief Her-story: My throat chakra has always been the stickler. As a child, I spoke little in order to be invisible, a survival tactic I developed with a violent stepfather. I was not encouraged to communicate my feelings, and in fact was threatened not to tell about the abuse he dished out regularly. As an adult, I developed hypothyroidism, which in my case is very stable and easily treated. I have learned to communicate pretty well now, although there are some situations that are not as easy for me to state my needs in. I have had TMJ for as long as I remember. I finally cracked a tooth a few years ago and had to get a crown and a night guard (fondly referred to as my chew toy). As I got healthier and more whole, the TMJ continued to baffle me. What was I still hanging on to?

In mid-April of 2008, I was gifted three rolfing sessions. The third one was inside my mouth, and something got cracked open in my jaw on both sides. It was excruciating for a moment on each side, and I heard an audible crack. That evening, I broke out in a hot, itchy rash that wrapped around my pelvis, inner thighs, under my arms and breasts. It disappeared within 2 days.

On April 23rd, I got on a plane to go to the Big Island to help facilitate the Divine Feminine Institute's 10 day Communication(!) & Empowerment training. I woke up with a sore throat on the right side only. It was pretty minor, so I took some Yin Chiao with me. By the second day, it had not improved or gotten worse, and I decided to go to the black sand beach nearby to greet Pele. As I climbed down the trail and came to the bottom step, I was literally thrown down onto the lava and retained some nasty, bleeding scrapes. The worst one was on my left thigh, and looked like a fire burning in its shape and form. I felt weak enough that I did not dare go in the water, but sat on the lava and spoke to Pele. I told her I would give her anything but my life (not sure why I said that at the time, it became clear later). I headed back to the retreat center, and the next day, my throat worsened. I lost my appetite, and it was painful to swallow. I had to decide if I was going to the hospital or not.

One of the teachers, who is also my friend and housemate, did an energetic healing on me before dinner that evening. She said there was something in my throat that was not mine, and she did an energetic extraction. She said I had died on this land (that we were staying on) in a previous life, very violently. Her healing was amazing, but I was still was getting worse. One of the students was a medical intuitive, and I asked her to help me decide if I needed to go to the hospital. She went into a trance, right there at the dinner table, and when she was complete, she asked me to find a more private place to talk.

She told me that there was a huge detoxification happening, and that the toxins were draining from my head into my lymph. She said I had died on the land, trying to defend it, a terrible death by fire. She said there was an amazing power that wanted to work through me, and there were some messages that I needed to get to pave the way for that. She said that while I was on this shamanic, underworld journey, I needed to make the mask for Beltane (we were all making masks for the Beltane ceremony I was facilitating) and that the power of my mask would empower the masks of all the others and ultimately, the ceremony itself.

I decided to wait until morning to go to the hospital. The next day was Saturday, and I was driven into town (an hour's drive) to Kaiser and had to wait about an hour to see a doc. I was so miserable by now that I just lay on the waiting room floor. The doc said it was a classic case of strep, and gave me antibiotics and vicaden. He also said that my right tonsil was about to abscess. I went back to the retreat center, to bed, and reluctantly took vicaden so I could rest and maybe sleep. The strep test came back negative.

Within 24 hours, the throat infection started to clear, and then the next set of symptoms came on.....tremendous heat in my palms and soles. My palms were so hot that I could not hold them together, and had to separate them with a pillow to sleep, constantly moving them to find a cool spot. Walking on my hot feet was very painful and tender. My joints also started to ache, and within a day, every joint in my body felt like I had advanced arthritis. Especially my right hand, which was also going numb off and on. I could not squat down to the floor without tremendous pain. I had never felt anything like it before in my healthy life.

Throughout all of this, I was in gratitude. I knew that Pele chooses only the worthy to journey with her into the underworld. And I knew that this initiation had very important information for me about my throat chakra. When I was down sick, I could not read or be on the computer. It seemed that 90% of my consciousness just left and went elsewhere. I guess it did.

After a Holotropic breathwork session I participated in once I was feeling better, I wandered off by myself into the dark towards the ocean, just wanting to be alone in nature with the stars, and with my mask. I took another fall over a large lava rock, and ended up with more bruises. I sat at the edge of the cliff, and later realized that I had put myself in some danger by going off un-grounded like that. Pele was looking after me that night, and did not let me come to much harm.

All the symptoms cleared within about 6 days, and I was available to be present with the group and offer my healing work as well as facilitate the Beltane ceremony that was to take place on the last night. Within the week, the skin bottoms of my feet began to peel away. It took several weeks, but eventually all the skin came off my soles. Like a snake, shedding her skin….

What I got out of it: The lingering jaw issues are about letting go of the illusion of control. There was an ego death, which is part of the control stuff. Self-care must become number one in my life, right now. No more thinking about it as I have for years. I gave intention to claim my Yin when I began the Divine Feminine training in 2005, and I was still pushing myself way too hard. I saw that it was time to let go of the idea that I can only play when the work is done, and integrate my work and play into each day.

I am amazed and in awe of all that is opening up for me in the wake of this initiation. I let go of so much that no longer serves me, and the spaciousness that was created is drawing in a life beyond my wildest dreams! My manifestation and co-creative powers have increased substantially. I am, as always, overflowing with gratitude and joy for all-that-is!